Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, let's just say that we are providing the following information as a public service announcement (laced with sarcasm) for the benefit of all Net Heads customers.   No customer is being singled out and most places wouldn't dare make this kind of commentary.  Hey, no one claimed we were normal.

They say "it takes all kinds to get down the highway" and things are certainly no different on the information highway.  We love all our customers at Net Heads.  We see a broad customer base - ages 9 to 59 - enjoying and exploring activities together as peers - often for the first time.

When we have events, it's common for a diverse group of people who've never met to be thrown together on the same team and often go elbow-to-elbow (or head-to-head) with total strangers.  In the business world, this is called networking.  There are plenty of books on how to network better, so we thought we toss in a few paragraphs about how to better game in public.

If you are going to participate in a Net Heads event, we recommend the following:

• Unless you're attempting to set a new Guiness record, bathe sometime close to the event.  Anything longer than 72 hours probably doesn't count.  Especially if you're 15 years old.  No offense, guys.

• Green moss in your teeth is not cool, even if it does match your shirt.

• Wear reasonably clean clothes.  We don't care what they look like, but they should not be able to get up and walk out without you.

• And you Playmates are going to have to start wearing underwear, damn it.

Talkin' Trash

A hilarious by-product of competition are the lively discussions that often take place during a match.  Known as smack talk or talking trash, this can be entertaining, fun, clever, and a useful tactical technique during a game.  Done properly, we encourage it all we can.

There are, however, a couple of exceptions to "anything goes" when it comes to trash talking:

• According to CPL rules (which are observed during tournament play) neither spectators nor players may influence the play to the benefit or detriment of other players.   Cheering on your team or favorite player is certainly encouraged, but booing or providing game related hints is off limits.  It used to be this way in tennis until somebody decided they could yell "Connors sucks!" and nobody did anything about it.

• In friendly matches, if the commentary is clever, relevant and used sparingly it's great.  A constant barrage of whining, talking to oneself, various distracting noises, singing, bodily noises and plain stupidity are really annoying.  Think of it like after shave  - a little goes a long way.  Too much and nobody wants to be near you.

• Profanity of any kind simply should not be used.  Testimony to a gamer's cleverness and superior intelligence (that's why you're a gamer, right?) is the ability to smack talk somebody with the same words you use in front of your Mom.  9 year olds don't need to hear excerpts from Pulp Fiction.

• In games where a player becomes a spectator after being fragged (such as Counter-Strike or Unreal Tournament - Last Man Standing), it is considered poor sportsmanship to report on the positions of your opponents with your newfound advantage.  Even if it does mean you'll get to play sooner.  However, when playing a remote team, you can bet they are doing it and so this rule doesn't apply.

• Violence or threats will get you tossed out at the least.  If we can get the IPD officers out of their Rogue Spear game, we'll have you arrested.  And if your opponent decides to burn you at the stake, not only will we not save you, we'll probably just send out for marshmallows.

It's difficult, really, to teach sportsmanship and good behavior to anyone, but if gaming is going to rise above professional wrestling, somebody's got to do it.

Bottom line?  If your behavior or condition is offensive to other Net Heads customers we'll ask you to remedy the problem (this sometimes includes leaving as we have a strict "No Showering In The Bathrooms" policy).  Who decides?  We do.  Do you get to finish the tournament?  No.  Do you get a refund of any kind?  No.  Is this negotiable?  No.  Is this a democracy?  Nope.

If you drive away our business (and potential friends and cannon fodder for you) you'll be stuck fragging the same old co-workers at the office or playing by yourself in your basement.  Again.

Ugh.